Kirito
by PRONTO3000
Summary: The title speaks for itself.
1. Kirito

**Author's Note: I don't know.**

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 **Disclaimer: I don't own anything. I'm empty.**

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Hello, my name is Kazuma. In case you missed the first episode, I was a hikikomori who died and was reincarnated into another world. Tagging along with me was an annoying, blue haired Goddess named Aqua. We're tasked with the mission of vanquishing the Demon Lord. That being the case, the first thing that we should do is join the Adventurer's Guild, or more locally known as 'the pub'.

Anyway, while I was busy introducing myself to the readers, this Aqua person just won't shut up. She kept on crying like a crazy nutjob about how this is a mistake, about how much she misses home and even begging to the sky asking to bring her back. Pathetic. I wasted my opportunity to get OP skills or weapons in exchange for this burden. It was in the heat of the moment, okay? I couldn't have known that they'd actually gave her to me.

Idling here won't change anything, so I ushered my new companion to move it; we're going to the pub. No, not that kind of pub, the pub. No, Aqua, we're not going there to drink our sorrows away.

In order to not bore our readers, we've decided to cut the scene where Kazuma was dragging Aqua who was crying while firmly clawing at the ground like a child who doesn't want to leave the playground towards the pub.

And so, I arrived in front of the pub. I swung the doors open, scanning the room for the beautiful counter lady who's always present in every fantasy novel and asked to join the guild. The thing is, we did not consider there is a registration fee, and thus are extremely troubled when the issue of money came up. After suggesting to sell ourselves as slaves for a year in order to get the money and was swiftly rejected by the self-proclaimed Goddess, (I won't even give her the satisfaction of being called one) we turned to the next best thing; extorting people for money. You know, like those bullies on TV asking for lunch money from other kids? Yeah.

Aqua said that she had a very good idea on how to do this, and seeing her foul mouth, I agreed to let her do her own thing for once. So, I watched from behind as she approached an old man barely able to support himself with a walking stick, and proclaimed as so;

"I am the Goddess of Water, Aqua-sama! Prostate before me or face divine retribution. Please give me some money."

The palm of my hand collided with my face. What did I expect, really? First, you're threatening him, then you beg him for money?! She's an idiot.

The old man smiled wryly at her and said, "I am sorry, but I am not of the Goddess Aqua faith. But as a member of the Goddess Eris church, we are taught to be generous to everyone, even those who are as... _peculiar_ as the cult member of Goddess Aqua. That being the case, here you go young miss."

He handed us a few coins, to which I approached and forced Aqua to bow her head along with me.

"I am extremely sorry for the trouble my companion had caused."

The kindly old man smiled gently while shaking his bony hand saying, it's fine, it's fine.

I glared at her from the corner of my eyes and found out that she was on the verge of tears. After moving away from the spot, she started bawling.

"You know that I was a Goddess, right?"

I nodded.

"Well, I have a kouhai you see..."

I nodded.

"She's just a minor Goddess, not as big and famous as me, of course. I used to give her menial tasks such as fetching things and filling desk works, right? Right?"

I nodded.

"And just now, I was pitied by one of her followers...!"

Her pride can't handle it, basically. Well, I decided to be nice and instead of trying to comfort her with empty words, just ignore her altogether and heads to the counter.

We were greeted by the same beautiful Onee-san who handled us before (this time asking if we have the money or not first). After we handed most of the coins we owned to the counter Onee-san, (I noticed Aqua pocketing one for herself) she explained the basics of registering as an adventurer.

First, you need to receive an adventurer's card. It shows your stats and class. Your class depends on your stats, so if your stats are too low, you simply can't choose a class that requires high stats. That's the gist of it, anyway. Also, the 'Adventurer' class has no stats restriction. It's basically the lowest class there is, only one step ahead of ordinary people.

She asked us to place our hand on top of a certain orb... thing. It's apparently a machine that checks our stats and converts them into numbers. I, being the gentleman that I was, allowed Aqua to print her card first. As she sticks her hand into the smooth surface of the orb, it began to glow and the metal constructs surrounding said orb started to write her stats on her adventurer card. It ended in an instant, and the counter Onee-san handed Aqua her card. But not before exclaiming that besides her below average INT and nonexistent LCK, all of her other stats are amazing.

This made me really excited. I mean, she was just a burden tagalong and her stats are already this high. Then how about me, the reincarnated hero? I hope I won't be too OP because then I will defeat the Demon Lord in a few seconds and the songs sung after my deeds won't be as glorious. Well, if it comes to that, then I can always hold back and make the journey last, I guess.

But enough of that. Instead of my mouth, let my action speaks. I placed my hand on top of the orb, and as it glowed, I couldn't help but get even more and more excited. Here it comes...! When the card finishes printing, beautiful Onee-san takes it into her hands and read out the result.

"Average stats all around, with above average INT and... wow, this is the highest LCK stat I'd ever seen!"

After a moment, she added, "Although LCK doesn't really matter if you're planning to become an adventurer. Maybe joining the Merchant's Guild would suit your interest more...?"

"...Did she just regarded my entire dream as impossible," I asked to no one in particular.

"W-Well, you can always change your class after you level up but for now the only available class is... huh?"

Beautiful considerate blond-ponytail counter lady Onee-san took another glance at my card and announced her finding.

"There seems to be some kind of unique class that Satou Kazuma-san can use, but it is written in an unfamiliar language. Perhaps you are familiar with this class?" my hand outstretched, she handed me my card and I read the class column and its contents.

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 **[CLASS]=NONE**

 **AVAILABLE CLASS: ADVENTURER, キリト  
**

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 **Glossary:**

 **Kouhai: Someone who wouldn't give up even though they know that senpai would never notice them.**

 **キリト: Our God and Saviour.**


	2. Is

**Author's Note: Before I start, please pronounce women as wamen exclusively for this chapter. Also, please respect women.**

 **Please note that I do not condone nor approve of disrespecting women. This is just satire for the sake of satire.**

 **With that said, please enjoy~!**

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 **Disclaimer: I don't own KonoSuba.**

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Once again, my eyes sunk down toward the neatly printed word written in katakana. My mind numb, flabbergasted even, by the sheer ridiculousness of it all. Gaping open like a lion's den, my mouth tried to form coherent words but all the noises that come out are incomprehensible.

"...What the fuck," finally, out of my mouth was a statement, not even a question.

"What is it, what is it?" came Aqua's voice, pristine and clear, as her head looked down over my shoulder. Her silky blue hair brushing against my neck, it sends shivers down my spine. I've never been this close to a woman before and never thought that I ever will. Except, of course, that one time when I "saved" that schoolgirl before I die. But I rather not reminisce about that (for obvious reasons).

Some people might argue that I am a despicable brute who would harm women if they stand in my path, but that's a simple misconception. While I am completely okay with hitting women, it is not because I hate them or see no value in their lives. Rather, I am a firm believer in gender equality. Why should I act differently toward women? Isn't that just discrimination? Be it male or female, my conviction is that we all should stand on the same ground, neither being lower or higher. That said, it is not like I cannot get excited by the thought of a woman, especially one as beautiful as a Goddess, breathing on the back of my ear. Heck, I'll even admit that much; Aqua is beautiful. No matter how much her head needs serious tinkering.

Suddenly, I was shaken awake from my deep reverie by a laugh, again, with a sound as pure as mountain dews (not the soft drink, mind you). Taking a moment to collect my bearings, my mind finally jolted up when I realized that my adventurer card was not in my hand anymore. In fact, my proof of identification is being held by no other than my burdensome companion.

"Ne, ne, Kazuma-san, what the hell is this? There's a 'Kirito' written in here isn't there?" with a somewhat deprecating grin forming on her shapely lips, she pointed at the word 'キリト' over and over again. Unbefitting of a divine being, her sentence was laced with derision and ridicule.

"Give me that!" I said as I lunged at her, pressing myself on top of her as my hands tried to take back what belongs to me.

"No! Get off of me!" it proves to be quite a huge undertaking, however, considering how much Aqua was struggling beneath me. In my eyes, she looked like she was a disgusting caterpillar. In others' eyes, however, this looked like attempted assault. So would you be surprised if I say that one of the resident adventurers with a purple mohawk tackled me into the ground?

"Oi, oi. What the hell, man? You shouldn't treat a woman like that, it's not cool you know?" like I care! As I said before, gender equality is the right way!

"Fuck you and fuck respecting women!" wait, that came out wrong. Now I'm just sexist.

All of the women in the nearby surrounding turned their eyes at my bold statement, each one of them filled with revulsion comparable to that of seeing a pile of unsightly trash. Or maybe that's the exact reason; they're looking at human trash!

...No, no, no, I didn't mean what I said just now. Of course, I respect women as much as I respect men for that is my motto; gender equality. But, they don't know that, do they? So, in order for them to know, I have to speak out. I have to make my voice heard, loud and clear.

And so, I began to form a sentence.

"No, that is-" but was interrupted by the loud screams of said women screaming for the guards. Not a moment later arrives a pair of town guards who silently asked the Counter Onee-san what's bothering them.

She points at me with apparent disgust, and simply said this:

"He's disrespecting women."

By the time I realized it, there were hands clutching both my arms and legs and carrying me out of the guild, roasted pork style.

"Disrespecting women is a crime!" the guards stated firmly. No, please listen to my side of the story first, would you?! It's unethical to just throw an innocent man into the dungeon for simply saying that he doesn't respect women. I mean... shit. I did say that. But it's unintentional, okay?! What I meant to say is, Aqua being Aqua, she doesn't deserve respect.

Hearing my panicked explanation, the guards' jawline hardened even more. And I soon realized why.

"Listen to this scum. Can you believe it? He said that to his own companion, that she doesn't deserve respect. Sickening. He must've blackmailed her into coming with him, such poor lass."

Dammit, my words aren't getting through. Or rather, am I really the wrong one here? They do say that justice is decided by the majority.

"C-Can't I at least get the opportunity to defend myself?" I hold to the faint hope of resolving this crisis in the most peaceful manner possible.

"No." and it was mercilessly crushed. "We've heard enough. You're going straight to the dungeon."

And so, without a chance to defend myself and my belief, I was thrown into the dim, moist not to mention rat infested dungeon until further notice. Well, at least they won't execute me, right?

...Right?

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"Tomorrow, we will commence the execution of a violent sex offender going by the name Satou Kazuma for the crime of, first and foremost, disrespecting women. Second, attempted assault on his own companion. Third, presumed blackmail towards said companion. Fourth, creating disturbance in the town area. And personally, because he's human trash. The method of execution is as follow: the aforementioned sex offender will be tied in rope and thrown into a den of giant frogs. Is said punishment acceptable?" a cheer, mainly those of women's, substitutes as an answer.

"Very well. So it shall be."

Looking outside from the vent of my cell, cold sweat soaked the back of my clothes. Oi, oi, this is bad. How dare they accuse me, Satou Kazuma, of such presumptuous crimes! "I did no such thing!" or so I convinced myself inside my mind.

No way... is my adventure going to end exactly one day after I arrive?! There's got to be something I can do!

"Hey!" suddenly, I heard a voice. I looked for the source of such distinct, melodious voice and found the face of Aqua looking down at me from the vent.

"Aqua!" perhaps out of joy from seeing a familiar face, or maybe the shallow expectation of her being able to get me out of this situation, my face lights up immediately in apparent relief.

"It looks like you're stuck in a rough situation," said Aqua with some pity. I nodded my head vigorously as confirmation.

"That's right. Say, you're a Goddess, right? Is there something you can do to help me out of here?" I asked in the nicest tone I could muster.

"Of course not!" and my expectations were, once again, shattered.

"What do you mean by that?! Can't you blow up the wall or something?!"

"Unfortunately, no. I am bound to this world currently and have to follow its rule. I cannot tamper with the world beyond what the world allows me to. Unless I use the power granted and allowed by the world to use in form of skill and such, but I have no such thing as of now, for I had chooseth a class befitting of mine own Godly status, that of an Arch Priest."

"Even if you talk fancy like that, in other words... you're useless." I sighed. So much for outside help. It looks like if I want things done, I need to do them myself. That said, WHAT can I do really? I'm just a weak, powerless high school student hikikomori from a peaceful country. And I haven't even chosen a class yet, so obviously, my chance of escaping is zero. So why don't you choose one, you might ask? Well, I lost my adventurer card to a certain person who's disinterestedly looking at the moss growing on the wall-...

Wait, that's right!

"Aqua, where's my adventurer card?! Give it back now!" she flashed a look of confusion, then after a sudden realization said this:

"Ah, I threw it into the trash bin."

"..."

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 **Next chapter should be the last.**


	3. God

**Author's Note: Uh... hello?**

 **Q: Where were you when I needed you?!**

 **A: Watching Love Live!**

 **Q: Is your writing career over?**

 **A: *Is in the process of writing a Love Live! fanfic***

 **Q: Finish your other stories first!**

 **A: Someday.**

 **Q: Who are you again?**

 **A: Good question.**

 **Q: When did you write this?**

 **A: Just now. No, really.**

 **Q: It's shitty!**

 **A: What did you expect?**

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 **I don't own KonoSuba. Yeah.**

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Standing on the edge of a cliff, the buff executioner asked with his gruff voice.

"Any last words?"

"...Please reconsider."

He silently kicked me off of the cliff.

While falling, I can hear booming cheers of joy, unquestionably coming from women who had wrongly accused me of crimes that I did not commit... or so I told myself.

Does it really matter, though? I mean, I'm falling to my death right now.

As I watched the ground growing nearer, I closed my eyes... and ate a mouthful of mud.

"Blegh!"

I coughed the mixture of mud and smelly swamp water (don't event want to know what else are mixed in those) and raised my body that's half submerged in the swamp.

Apparently the executor stayed true to his words. He chose a suitable ledge that's not too short nor tall, with mud soft enough to break the fall below.

Which means that I'm safe for now... or so I'd like to say if I hadn't looked up.

A huge shadow loomed over me.

A drop of saliva dripped down its huge jaw, a sign I can only perceive as that of hunger.

And its eyes... God, its eyes. Those are eyes of a predator staring at its prey.

Like a snake ready snap at any moment.

Only I'm the prey, and that's not a snake.

It's a giant fucking frog.

"...Should've gone to Heaven instead."

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"Where is it? I'm pretty sure I threw it inside here..."

"Hmm? Oh, you're that newbie who become an Arch Priest! What're you doing rummaging around the trash can like that? Don't tell me that that guy you're with ran away with your funds and so you're searching for leftover food...?"

Aqua twisted her shapely lips into a pout and answered in annoyance, "Of course not! How can you even suggest that this glorious, holy vessel of a Goddess would eat any of your filthy rotten mortal food? Preposterous!"

"Um... okay. If you say so. I was about to offer you this sandwich I just bought but-"

*Chomp*

"..."

*Nom nom*

The adventurer smiled wryly while clenching his twitching hand, but then sighed and calmed himself down.

"So, what were you doing back then?"

Their words seems to brought Aqua back from her sweet afterglow (it was a cheap sandwich, by the way).

With a solemn expression unbefitting of her previous behavior, the self-proclaimed Goddess spoke in a serious manner.

"I'm searching for something."

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"Oy, sex offender below! Catch!"

"Don't call me things that I've never done!" is what I would've answered with if I wasn't busy trying to catch the thing that was thrown at me from above.

A crossbow and a quiver of its bolts.

"Don't die too early, okay?! It won't satisfy the women if you go to Heaven early after all!"

How could you call me sexist while shouting things that could be taken the wrong way yourself?! I'm a victim!

Sigh... calm down, Kazuma. Use that high INT of yours. I closed my eyes to hasten my thought process, and start to assess my current situation.

First, there's a horde of titanic frogs ready to leap at me.

Second, the only weapon I have on hand isn't nearly enough to defend against one of them, let alone the number I am currently facing.

Third, I have zero experience with weapons. I don't know how to use this useless piece of wood! I mean, I played Skyrim and all so I'll probably be able to figure it out of you give me some time, but seeing the horde in front of me, you'd say that it's already a miracle that they haven't attacked yet.

I read once that some frogs are nocturnal predators, so that might explain why they haven't attacked yet. You know what else I've read? That some are also highly territorial and will attack on sight, so this doesn't really make sense. Why are they staying still like that? Some kind of intimidation tactic? Do human taste better when they're colored in fear? Speaking of fear, most of my willpower is focused in keeping my bladder shut. Those frogs sure have weird fetishes if that's really the case.

Well, this might sound crazy to you but maybe, just maybe, this is some kind of leeway given by God in order for me to share my thoughts to silent higher dimensional observers who are currently enjoying my struggles and suffering.

...As if, right? Haha.

Anyway, considering those three points, I have several options that's I'm going to list based on how easy it is to achieve.

Number one. Give up and let myself get eaten for entertainment.

...My best option is to die?! I don't want to die as a laughingstock TWICE! Rather, I don't want to die again!

So, number two. Fight to the death.

...Even if I can fight (I cannot), I'd still die in the end.

I only have one option, huh.

Choice number three. Buy time until Aqua finds my Adventurer's Card in order for me to change my class.

I can't believe that I'm putting my life in the hands of that useless Goddess (self-proclaimed), but what else can I do.

Please hurry. I'll even join your shady cult if that'll make you come faster.

I opened my eyes and applied my Skyrim know-how onto my crossbow, somehow managing to insert a single bolt.

I aimed at the largest frog in front, and shouted with the loudest volume I could manage.

"Come here you amphibians!"

I pulled the trigger.

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"Eh?! You already threw it outside of town?!" Aqua shouted in shock.

The counter Onee-chan nodded with a troubled expression.

"Yeah, we always throw it in the evening at the outskirts of town, near the swamp. Oh, speaking of the swamp, isn't that guy you're with there? I was about to go watch once my shift ends, how about coming along?"

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"JUG-O-RUM."

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

I shouldn't have done that. The bolt completely missed despite the size of those monsters, and the only thing it accomplished is stirring the silent horde into a frenzy. Now I have tens of frogs leaping around me like a meteor while sticking their long tongue as I ran and dodged with my life on the line. Stop it with the tongue, I'm not into that kind of thing, okay?!

And what's with that call?! JUG-O-RUM?! With that deep, sexy baritone voice, I bet that you could become a famous singer. How about it? Not a bad deal, right? It's definitely a better and more stable livelihood than eating random adventures, right?

Yeah right! Like hell I can reason with frogs.

As if on cue, I tripped on something and tumbled onto the ground. I rolled around until a pile of trash stopped my momentum.

I looked up in a daze.

"Well, shit."

I'm surrounded on all sides.

Is this it? My next chance at life, gone into the depths of an amphibian's stomach?

"...God, whichever one, if you could hear me right now... then I beg of you. Help...!"

"Your prayer has been heard."

"?"

"Your savior has answered thy prayer."

"?"

"The mandatory donation to the Axis Cult is 1,500 Eris per month, plus an optional fee for praying, singing, and praising my name. Of course, for the measly amount of 900,000 Eris, you can become my personal attendant. Imagine the honor of fetching cold beer straight to your Goddess' hands!"

"?"

"What are you waiting for, Kazuma? Change your class!"

The figure standing high and mighty on top of the trash pile I'm currently on threw a piece of paper towards me. I caught it, and then confirmed the contents. It was my Adventurer's Card.

It was then that I finally figured out what was happening. She had actually come. That blue haired tag-along I brought with me. I begin to laugh.

"...Thanks."

"You better be! I went through so much trouble to find it."

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[CLASS]=キリト

[SKILL]=ASSIMILATION

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"Assimilation."

With the activation of my only available skill, I, Satou Kazuma, stopped being myself. I've reached a higher, no, the highest order of existence possible for a mere human being, a state that could only be described as divine. This overwhelming power flowing throughout my body, this knowledge and skill being engraved into my head... I've merged with the strongest being that has ever existed.

No, this is more than just merging with him. I've become him.

A coat of pure black covered my body, as my hair and eyes turned into the hue of the deep starless night.

 **"I."**

A menacing black sword materialized in my right hand, its luster as deadly as its edge. The reassuring weight felt comfortable, like I've swung this thing hundreds of thousands of time.

 **"Am."**

Another sword appeared in my left hand. Shining like a beacon, the bane of darkness. Its strong light ready to push everything that stands in its way.

 **"Kirito."**

That's right.

 **"STARBURST STREAM!"**


End file.
